Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Alrighty then.

I do not have Cushing's Syndrome.

Everything that's wrong with me is a result of my weight. It's all my fault. I brought this upon myself.

Things need to change. Obviously, I need to lose weight for my health. This whole "you might have a tumor" thing has really opened my eyes.

I'm looking into different weight loss programs now, trying to decide if any of them are right for me or worth the money.

I don't want this to become a weight-loss blog. However, I have a feeling that the whole weight loss quest is starting to take over my life, so it's going to come up here once in a while.

There's a part of me that doesn't want to lose weight. It took a long time for me to be comfortable with being a big girl, and I finally feel like I am. Will I still feel like myself if I cease to be large?

But I can't just sit here and do nothing. I may like the way I am, but I'm flawed, broken, falling apart. My heart works too hard to keep my body moving, and if I don't do something about that, I'm going to wear it out. Sure, I'm taking medicine now to regulate it, but I still have times where I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, and every time that happens I think to myself, "this can't be good."

My feet and ankles are so swollen that I can't wear more than half of my shoes, and almost everything I try on in the store doesn't fit, even if I go a size or two bigger than I normally wear. I have to wear the special socks "for larger shoe sizes" so that they don't cut off the circulation to my feet.

I run out of breath just by walking down the street. I sweat far too easily. My skin looks disgusting with all the stretch marks and cellulite.

That's just me and my health. Socially, there are a lot more issues at play. I don't fit into some chairs. Sometimes I have a hard time fastening the seat belt in a car - it's even worse on airplanes. I'm uncomfortable in crowds (because I take up too much space) and I'm always afraid to sit in a booth at a restaurant because I might not fit.

My latest fear is that my bed will collapse underneath me as I sleep.

Clearly, I need to change.

The question is: can I do it myself, or do I need help? I've been a member of Weight Watchers enough times that I know what it takes. I'm not an idiot. I know what foods are good and which foods I should limit and/or avoid. I know I need to move and exercise regularly. Do I really need to spend money on a weight loss program?

The idea of a program where I don't need to think about the food (meaning the food is provided as part of the program) is appealing. However, after researching Seattle Sutton's Healthy Eating and Nutrisystem, I cannot afford them (each one would cost me more than $500/month, and I can't see spending more than my rent on weight-loss food).

My endocrinologist got me thinking about gastric bypass surgery. That's all I'm going to say about that now - I'm not even sure if my insurance would cover it.

I have a lot of thinking to do, and I'm nowhere near ready to make a decision yet.

In other news, we were able to get Twins tickets for Saturday's exhibition game against St. Louis. I'm really excited to finally get to see Target Field (aka "The Bullseye").

1 comment:

  1. Hey, I was thinking you would have mixed reactions as a result of this diagnosis. Maybe try doing it on your own for a while and add Weight Watchers if you feel you need it. In other news, I think I can make it to Vegas in Oct.