Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Riding the Waves

This has been a bit unusual for me. Apologies, this will be a long one.

Last night, I went out to the Twins game with some friends. We had a good time despite our team's loss. As a true fan, I can't leave before the last out of the last inning, so we stayed until the bitter end. It was a long game. I usually go to bed between 9:30 and 10:00 on work nights. The Twins game didn't end until at least 10:30. After pushing our way through the crowd out of the park and the drive back to my house, I didn't get to bed until 11:30, two hours past my usual bedtime. Late night for me.

I still got up at my usual time, and work was fine. I wasn't struggling to stay awake or anything - I've actually been quite busy lately at the office, and I'm grateful for that. Busy is much better than bored, and it's far easier to stay awake after a night under the bright lights at Target Field. I do admit to drinking 2 cups of coffee instead of my usual one cup, however.

I'm reading the book The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo right now, and up until recently the book has been a struggle for me. But it finally got good - really good. I don't want to put it down. After I got home from work, instead of my customary TV watching, I spent an hour or so reading. Then I realized I wasn't actually reading the words on the page - I was struggling to keep my eyes open. I took a 30-minute nap.

This break from routine was not a good idea.

For some reason, I woke up from the nap in a funk. I was feeling really bummed out. Since I took a nap at 5:30 in the afternoon, I felt like a lazy fat slob. I'm hosting a little BBQ for the Fourth of July, and my house is nowhere near clean. And then, pretty much out of nowhere, I realize that I haven't even been on a date in almost a year. So I'm down on myself about that as well.

I had ordered some new bras last week (one of my good ones broke and Lane Bryant was having a sale), and they happened to arrive in the mail today. For some reason, trying on new bras always cheers me up. I know definitively what size I wear, so there's no doubt whether or not they'll fit - instead it's just a matter of trying them on to see if they look nice. I may not always be happy with my body, but I like my boobs, and I like the way they look in a nice bra.

The good feeling was temporary. The bra I was most excited about trying was the "Ultimate sports bra," which is part of a new line of sports bras - they've never had sports bras before. I've been needing one that actually fits. For some reason, I can barely get the sports bra hooked, it's so tight. I don't get it. It's the same size as the other bras, and it should fit just like the others, right? Or is their way of adding support to the sports bra just making it tighter? I don't get it. And I don't like it. And it looks like crap.

Bad mood back.

Here's my thought process: "I'm never going to find a comfortable sports bra that actually fits." ---> "I'm never going to be able to have a good work-out without a good sports bra." ---> "If I can't work out, I'll never lose weight." ---> "If I can't lose weight, no man will ever look at me again." ---> "I'm a horrible, hopeless, pathetic mess."

As you can see, I entered a terrible self-destructive cycle. I managed to talk myself out of doing anything productive this evening. I didn't even add chicken to my rice tonight for dinner because I didn't feel like dirtying another pan.

Since 7, I've been watching "Hell's Kitchen" on TV, and I've mostly gotten back to normal. I'm going to turn in a little early tonight so that I don't end up in the same position tomorrow as I was today.

I have a lot I need to do tomorrow. I can't let my brain get in the way. That only slows me down.

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