Size Matters

Get your head out of the gutter. I'm not talking about that kind of size.

I realized today one of the reasons I've had trouble motivating myself to lose weight over the years. I don't feel like a big person.

Sure, I take up a lot of space. Sometimes I have issues sitting in a booth at a restaurant, or I have a hard time squeezing into airplane seats or similar. I know what size clothes I wear. But I just don't feel like I'm as large as I really am.

Even when I look at myself in the mirror, I usually don't think about myself as being big all around. Sure, my gut looks big sometimes, or my butt, or my thighs or my arms. But usually, I just shrug it off and tell myself that it's not so bad.

You're only as big as you feel, right?

No. This is something I need to realize about myself. The fact that I can barely walk three quarters of a mile anymore should be a sign. I never actually ran a 5K, but I did all right walking them a few years ago. My blood pressure should be a sign. I'm only 29 - I should not be taking meds for high blood pressure. My weight should be a sign. But I just avoid the scale instead. It's easier that way. (Sometimes I think that someone snuck into my bathroom and changed the scale from pounds to kilograms, but I know that isn't the case).

I need to stop looking at myself as a normal-sized person carrying a little extra weight. I need to start looking at myself as an overly large woman who needs to do something about it. If I don't keep myself in check, I'll end up with my very own TLC show. I don't want that.

Of course, there are days when I feel like a total cow. Some days, I'm Jabba the Hut. Those are the days where I hate myself.

Normally I'd tell myself that it's a good thing that I often feel comfortable in my body, considering all its imperfections. But now I'm starting to think that if I weren't so content to leave things as they are, I'd have succeeded with previous weight-loss attempts.

I hate that this blog is turning into "Diary of a Fat Girl." I don't want to be that kind of blogger. Unless, of course, that's what my adoring fans want. But I think it would be too depressing. And not funny. Look at this post - was it funny? No. I'd rather be funny.