I'm in a rut. I'm not happy. I'm happy with some of the changes I've made to my life, but that's not enough. There are bigger things about my life that don't make me happy.
Right now, the only things I truly enjoy are my TV shows (and only new episodes, apparently, because I had no idea what to do last night when "How I Met Your Mother" was a rerun) and planning my 30th birthday party in Vegas - which I can't even do properly right now because I don't know how much money I'll have or even which weekend the party will be. I don't think that's good. And this realization has put me in a very bad mood.
There are small things bugging me today, too. The socks I'm wearing keep sliding off my heels and into my shoes. I've got a headache. I'm either too hot or too cold depending on whether or not I'm wearing the fleece jacket I keep at my desk.
But those are just little things. There are big things.
I'm tired of my job. I'm not tired of the people I work with, or even the place where I work. I'm sick of the actual work that I do every day. I'm not very motivated - the only reason things get done is because I'm a stickler for deadlines. I want more responsibility, but at the same time, I'm afraid that my lack of motivation will carry over to new tasks I might learn, and then I won't really learn them very well and I'll no longer be good at my job. Because I like the fact that I'm good at my job right now. The problem is, I'm also too good for my job. And now I've grown used to it.
I've been talking about getting my MBA for a long time now. You know, getting those promotions that are currently out of reach and becoming "The Man" and all that. Except... do I really want that? Or do I just think I'm interested in things like finance because it would be a good idea for my career? My student loan debt is finally under $10,000. Do I really want to see that go back up for a degree I don't even really care about?
Yesterday, a friend and I were joking about going back to school to get a degree in meteorology because we like talking about the weather. The University of Minnesota does not have a graduate program in meteorology (which is surprising, considering how popular a topic weather is around here), but my friend said that the University of Utah (where she lives) does. And instead of just brushing it off, I actually went to the University of Utah website and looked up the degree program and what their application guidelines were. Not that I particularly want to leave Minnesota and move to Utah, but it was the idea of change that appealed to me.
You know what I really want to do? I want to write for TV. I don't want to write about TV or write reviews of TV. I want to write TV itself. I want to be a television writer. I don't know how to get into that business, though. I don't even know where to begin. For novels, sure, I know where to begin. But TV? I don't even know how to format a TV script. So, what, do I go back to college for TV writing? Can I do that here in MN, or do I have to move to LA or New York? And is it worth turning my whole life upside down for a career that I'm sure is very competitive and probably unlikely to make a decent living with? Did that last sentence even make sense? Why do I think that I can be any kind of writer?
Yeah. That's what's going through my head today. And, to make matters worse, it's Tuesday and I've already eaten out twice this week. The lunch I brought yesterday is still sitting in the overhead bin at my desk. *sigh*