Friday, December 3, 2010

Feeling Introspective

What is it about the holidays that makes me feel so down in the dumps?

I'm sitting here in my house - both the snowstorm outside and a raging cough are keeping me cooped up indoors, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. Well, my computer is here, too, and the television. But none of that is real. It's just me here.

I can't seem to stop myself from watching sappy movies where the girl inevitably finds the love of her life. Happily ever after and all that crap. I cry. Then I remember that it's been over a year since I've even been close to being on a date, so naturally I find myself wandering over to OK Cupid to see what's there... which of course, ultimately, is nothing I'm interested in.

This is the same stupid cycle I always end up in, and it always crops up this time of year. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's the short days and minimal sunlight. I get sad because I'm alone. I think about trying to find someone to cure the aloneness, then realize that I couldn't find anyone who would take me for what I am because of my big butt and bigger gut and my chubby fingers and stupid squinty eyes. Naturally, instead of doing something to get rid of those first three (can't do much about the eyes), I consider the fact that I always fail when I try to better myself. I give up before I even start, and I end up sitting on my couch crying, then blogging about it. Next I will, without fail, raid my pantry and fridge for anything resembling junk food. Then I'll continue sitting on my ass watching stupid sappy movies and the cycle begins anew.

My landlord is showing my apartment tomorrow to a potential new renter. I should be tidying up so that the place actually looks presentable. Instead, I'm engaging in self-destructive behavior that I know isn't good for me.

(Huh. Someone is trying to have a conversation with me on OK Cupid right now. Unfortunately, he seems to have no concept of grammar, and he freely admits that he doesn't like to read. Why on earth does this guy claim to want to get to know me? Oh well - told him I'm not feeling chatty and he hasn't written a word since. Excellent.)

Ok, it's time for me to find some dinner now. Then I might go to bed.

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