If Only

For nearly 30 years, I've been convinced that if only I had a boyfriend, all of my problems would be solved. Everything. I'd be deliriously happy, and everything else would just fall into its rightful place.

So far, life hasn't worked out that way.

I've had boyfriends. I've even been happy with some of them. But it never really seemed to resolve things in other aspects of my life.

I also think that this delusion of mine has kept me from getting the most out of my relationships. I've gotten it in my head that having a boyfriend is the solution, so that every time a new man came into my life, I was convinced that HE was the solution. I fell too fast, and in most cases let my clouded ideals blind me to what was really going on. Every time a relationship ended, or a date didn't go well, I would tell myself that he wasn't the key to the puzzle. It'll be the next one.

It never was. And it never will be.

My most recent failure has taught me that it's not about the boyfriend. I've managed to find happiness on my own, without the man. I've got a pretty good thing going on lately, and none of it has to do with the fact that a guy just blew me off last week. It's other things, all adding up. I'm making myself a better person, and I'm loving myself for it. For once, I'm truly making things all about me.

Maybe someday, eventually, I will find a guy who fits into my life. When that happens (if that happens), I will embrace it. But I won't let the next guy who comes along ruin what I've found for myself, unless he proves himself to be just what I need.

I have a new mantra. No longer will my foolish fairy-tale notions rule my life. It's not worth it. My heart is worth more than that.

Dear You

Dear You,

I don't know what happened, but I'm no stranger to this experience. However, I thought this time would be different. You seemed different from all the others before you.

I thought we had a good thing going on. Apparently that was all in my head. I haven't heard from you in five days. That doesn't sound like much when it's written down, but considering that since we met, there have only been a few days where we had no contact at all. There was always something.

I smiled every time I got a text from you. My bus rides out to see you were wonderful, because I knew you would be there at the park and ride. Spending time with you was a joy and I never really wanted to go home, but I knew I had to.

Was it because I was taking things too slowly? Usually I'm different, but this time I was trying something new because I thought it would help. Apparently I was wrong.

The whole time, I was clouded by how I felt for you. Did I see things that weren't really there? Was the touch of your hand merely imagination? I'm sad that none of it was real in the end, because I really liked it.

I'm choosing to remember the you in my head rather than the you you turned out to be. It's better than feeling defeated and worthless yet again.

Originally I thought I'd be spending time with you tonight. Instead I'll be watching "He's Just Not That Into You" on DVD, since apparently I need to get that message.

I still wish it could have been different. I wish you could have said something instead of completely ignoring me. I think that would have hurt less...

- me

Relationships and Jumping to Conclusions

I've been dating The Guy for almost a month now. In all honesty, this is about as long as my relationships tend to last. And that's only if I get past the first date.

Right around now is when most guys realize that they aren't interested in me in "that way," and they tell me (or just let me figure out on my own) that they just want to be friends - which really means that he has no desire to ever see me again, but he doesn't want to have to see me cry. I'm used to it by now.

But that also means that I'm starting to get a little paranoid about my situation with The Guy. We have (very loose) plans for the weekend, but other than a few scattered text messages on Monday, I haven't heard from him all week. I know that he's really busy - that was in one of the texts he sent on Monday. He has work and school and all the stress that comes from both of those things. But that little corner of my heart keeps nagging me, telling me that he's not really so busy. He's just trying to figure out how to let me down easy.

Because they all, eventually, let me down. Story of my life. Why should this guy be any different?

I hope he is different. I really hope he is just insanely busy and hasn't had the time to get in touch with me. Maybe he only thinks about me when his day is over and it's too late to send me a message because he doesn't want to wake me up.

I guess I'll find out on Saturday. I'm already ready to update my Facebook relationship status, but that seems to be the kiss of death for me - as soon as I acknowledge the fact that have a boyfriend, boom - he's gone. This time I'm going to talk to him. See what we're doing, where we're going.

Ugh. I don't want to do that. I want it all to make sense, like the way it always feels when we're actually together. I don't want to have to talk about it. And I don't want to be the girl who nags her boyfriend about not contacting her enough. I'm not that girl.

It's all going to be fine. Unless it's not. I can't be entirely optimistic on this one, because if it goes horribly wrong this weekend I'll be so disappointed. Beyond disappointed. But if I'm completely pessimistic, then it won't work out anyway because I'll be so convinced it'll fail.

I hate waiting.

I really like this guy. I really want it to work. I want to have a real relationship. Is that too much to ask?

Quarter 1 Results: 2011

or: Everything's Coming Up Becky!

Nutshell summary of the year so far:
* Moved in with siblings, ergo saving money on rent
* Purchased netbook computer for portability so I can further advance my writing – the best part was that this was a comfortable purchase, financially, despite the meager bonus handed out at work
* Secured a season ticket package for the Twins
* Met a guy on the internet who is actually turning out to be a viable relationship option for me – but this is still developing news
* The Get Healthy Initiative (or GHI) is progressing smoothly thanks to a gym membership and a lot of encouragement from friends and family – and so far the numerical result is 25 pounds lost.

That’s right, folks. I’ve lost 25 pounds. Numbers girl that I am, I can’t help but do some math around this. In the first quarter of 2011, I lost 25 pounds. If I keep things up and lose at a similar rate, then I could assume a 25 pound loss each quarter of 2011. That means I could lose 100 pounds this year. Now, I know that’s ambitious, but I’m just a little giddy and optimistic today. I know I can’t expect to have the same results quarter after quarter (and 4th quarter is notorious for knocking everyone off the healthy bandwagon), so I’m not going to set my goals for the rest of 2011 yet. We’ll get there. But I am going to say that I’m shooting for another 25 pounds by the end of the second quarter.

You heard me. By the end of June, I hope to be 50 pounds lighter than I was back in the dead of winter. You might even see me at a beach. Maybe. Of course, I’d probably have to buy a new swim suit before that happens. But still – 50 pounds. That’s the next goal.

I’m still training. There’s a 5k coming up at the end of April that I’m really starting to get excited about. I’m really hoping I’ll be able to run part of it (shooting for about a mile’s worth, but spread out over the course of the race, but I’ll adjust that goal as I get closer to race day). And the half marathon is still on the table for November. I’m doing it. So far my only goals related to that race are A) show up and B) finish. Those will likely be adjusted as well. Except for goal A. Gotta do that one, it’s the most important – if I don’t complete goal A, I can’t do any of the other goals.

What’s that? You want to hear about the guy? I can’t say much yet. It’s only been a few dates. But I like him. I like talking to him and I like spending time with him. I like being close to him. It’s still early, though, so I have no idea if he feels all these same things about me. It could be my lack of experience in these things (seriously, it had been a year and a half since my last date), because I really just don’t know how to read him. I’m guessing he must feel something, though, because he keeps agreeing to see me again.

As you can see, it’s all going well. Isn’t this the point in the movie when everything starts going horribly awry? Either that, or hilarity ensues. I’m going to hope for the latter.

By the way, thanks to everyone for all your support during this Get Healthy Initiative. It’s really motivating to check on your Facebook status and see that over 35 people “like” it, and it’s inspiring to see the @ replies on Twitter. All of you coworkers, you’re helping, too. I love the encouragement. I wouldn’t have had a strong first quarter without all of you. Keep it coming.

On Google

I specifically remember someone telling me in college to try Google as a search engine. The Internet was still relatively new to us – we were at the beginning of the generational wave that relied on email to communicate with professors and classmates. Most of us had been using your typical MSN or Yahoo search when trying to find something useful or specific on the Internet. But then my friend told me to try this new thing called Google. Better than any search engine that he knew about. It was cool, and he insisted that sooner or later, everyone would use Google. The way he talked about it, you’d think he held stock in the company.

Fast forward 10 years.

(Holy crap. 10 years. This reminds me that I got an email about my 10-year college reunion, even though it’s not until June of 2012. But that’s another post entirely.)

Today, my life seems to revolve around Google. On my computers at home, Google is my home page – on my Google web browser, where I check my Google email and read the Google News. Even this blog uses Google to its advantage (and to mine – without Google Analytics, I would have no way of knowing where all of you are when you read this). I buy things using Google Checkout. My phone? Android – which is also Google. On that Google-powered phone, I also check my Google email and find directions from place to place using Google Maps (with navigation). I even have the Google Sky Map to tell me what stars I’m looking at, even if it’s daytime.

“To Google” is a verb. If you want to give a snarky response to someone who poses a stupid question on an internet message board, you can post a link to “Let Me Google That For You,” which will send the questioner to a web page that looks just like Google, but it shows someone else typing the question into Google and getting the response.

Google is everywhere.

Ten years ago, there was no way for me to conceive of what Google would become. How could I? But today I was reading an article (which I found through the Google News page) talking about Android 3.0, and I realized that Google is practically omnipresent in our society. And then I remembered my friend, telling me to try this cool new search engine. Now Google is everything.

What simple thing do we have today that in 10 years will be as ubiquitous as Google is now?

Saturday Crazy

I love shopping sometimes.

Three months ago, you wouldn't have seen me say that. Well, I used to hate shopping for clothes. It was depressing. I always seemed to end up in the same size, if not the size bigger. It was an adventure, trying to squeeze into the largest size they carry in any given store.

Today, though, was different. I strolled into the changing room with the same size I always wear. I knew that some of my pants are a bit big on me these days thanks to the weight I've been losing, but it could be just that they've gotten stretched out. The pessimist in me was convinced that I wouldn't be able to get into a smaller size - the regular size would just be more comfortable now.

I tried on the jeans. A little tight, but that always happens with these kinds of jeans - by the time I get home, they'll be too big. I decided to go ahead and get the jeans because I'm getting desperate for them.

I also tried on a pair of work-appropriate slacks. I had no problems at all buttoning or zipping them. I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed a significant bagginess around the butt region. These pants were too big.

The pants were too big! It's been YEARS since I've had that problem. I poked my head out of the fitting room and asked the attendant for a size smaller. She smiled and said she'd be right back. After a minute or two, she was there, and I went for it. I thought about holding my breath, but decided that wouldn't be a very good idea. So I just took them off the hanger and put them on my legs. And you know what? They went on fine. They weren't too tight in the thigh. I could button them and zip them.

I looked in the mirror again. They weren't awkwardly tight. I could breathe. It was amazing. I wear a size smaller now.

I've lost enough weight that I need smaller pants. This is a milestone. Where's the champagne?

So to celebrate, I went ahead and spent some of my tax refund in advance. I bought a new little netbook PC. I'm using it now to write this post. I think it'll be great for when NaNoWriMo comes around again.

Also, did I mention that I had a date yesterday? It was amazing. Wonderful. We sat at a coffee shop and chatted for about four and a half hours. I loved it. Never a lull in the conversation, and we have a lot in common - but not too much that it would be boring. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, though. I have to let things happen at the speed they happen. I don't want to scare another one off.

But yeah, I'm in a great mood today. I have new pants. New SMALLER pants. And a new smaller computer. :)

Updates

I wish I weren't so tired right now. There's a lot I want to talk about in this post.

First of all, I have a new pic to use in all my online profiles.



Thanks to some random nerdery I associate with, I became aware of an artist named Len Peralta. He does... well, really nerdy/geeky stuff. He's most known for a project called Geek a Week, where he made trading cards featuring notable faces in the geek community. You can read all about it here. Anyway, they're selling the cards on Think Geek, so I think I might head over there one of these days and actually buy them.

But Len also has a project called Flip Face, where he'll make a custom avatar for you. After the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, he announced on Twitter that he would take $5 from every Flip Face sale and donate it to relief efforts in Japan if you indicate "Help Japan" in the special instructions when you order. Bonus, because it's Japan, he'll do the avatar in an anime style. So I'm on board, I ordered my new face, and there it is up there. I love it.

You see, I'm completely torn up about what's happening in Japan. There have been a lot of earthquakes lately it seems, but for some reason this one was the one that really hit me. I'm emotional about it, and I feel completely useless. So if I can buy a custom-drawn picture of myself and help? I'm going to do it.

I like creative ways to help others. Sure, $5 is minuscule compared to what is needed, but it's better than nothing. I don't have a lot to give, and so I had to do something.

Plus, I'm also supporting an artist. One I'm a fan of. That counts for something, too.

Ok, that took longer than I thought it would. Other stuff I want to touch on: I have a date this weekend. The guy makes me smile, and that counts for a lot in my book. We'll just leave it at that.

And I'm going to a new gym. Not Lifetime. This one is in the building where I work (exclusive for tenants of the building). A couple work buddies and I took a class over our lunch hour today. It was amazing. Hard work, but worth it. I think I'm going to be sore tomorrow.

And that's all for now. I need to go to bed. I'm super tired.